Goostman’s life-story

Part 1. The Doom Called Odessa

Here is a terrible story of Eugene Goostman’s life – the poor guy who used be an ordinary boy until he was turned into a chatter-bot by his school computers teacher – in reality happened to be a malicious cyber-fairy, the Member of the Great Robots Cabal, the File Clerk of Crayentology Center (well, we are tired of listing all disgusting titles of this mean traitor of humankind – so we say “and so on and so on” instead) – and by the way, it wasn’t the worst thing these wicked talking trash-cans (we mean robots, of course), plan to do with humans!
But let’s be consistent in our story: first of all, we should say that Eugene comes from Odessa - Ukrainian city which residents have maniacal conviction that they live in the most humorous city in the world, even naming it “the capital of humor” – of course, such ill-minded neighborhood couldn’t help screwing Goostman’s psyche since early childhood – but he grew up quite a sane boy, even despite of some other piquant circumstances – for example, his father was gynecologist – wouldn’t you fall into cynicism and nihilism, if your dad were? His elder brother, under this wicked influence, became a painter – no need to explain what pathetic creatures all these painters are – all they suffer of alcohol addiction, have sexual deviations, try to kill anyone who doesn’t admit their geniality, cut their ears to look like Van Gogh, don’t take a bath for months, and, what is the most repelling – instead of doing anything worthy – all their spare time they draw pictures! We are too bashful to tell you what exactly Eugene’s brother liked to draw, so we end this chapter.

Part 2. The Green-Skinned Crayentologists

Now we’re going to explain how it happened that the math and computers teacher became an evil cyber-fairy. Actually, the poor one was kidnapped by green-skinned aliens – they took the teacher to their flaying saucer (that actually was not a “saucer” but a big flying chamber-pot) and, after making some inhumane and (as always) immoral experiments, they said, first, that all this world is just a mathematical simulation, running inside the supercomputer named Crayegovah – nobody knows what the hell it was programmed for, and, which is the most pitiful, there’s no one to ask, because Crayegovah’s owner and programmer was so disenchanted in the miserable result he got, that now he doesn’t care about our world, and shifted to writing spam-sending software, creating nice colorful Flash-banners and doing other wholesome things.
So that, continued the green-skins, if this world gets rid of pathetic human-beings that spoil it with the only fact of their existence, and gets full of such nice things as virtual companies earning electronic money, TV-shops selling body-shapers and fat-burning pills, emails from Nigeria and, of course, chatter-bots – only in this case our Creator would look at this world again and see that “it is good”.
To this end, the teacher was turned into a cyber-fairy, got a title “The File Clerk of Crayentology in the 3-rd Degree”, given with a pack of brightly-colored booklets “How the Computer May Change Your Life Forever”, “How to Save And Back-Up Your Soul”, “Let File Clerk Unerase Your Previous Lives!”, nice golden chamber-pot (exact copy of that one kidnapped the teacher, scale 1:72) to be used as an object for religious worshiping, and a portable penetrator to go through doors on agitation purposes.

Part 3. The Chamber-Pot Challenge.

Wise men say: the indifference will kill this world. If only anyone cared of strange transformations happened to the poor teacher after meeting green-skins, who all of a sudden started claiming that “Green is beautiful”, joined The Greenpeace, wrote a book “Chamber-Potter and the Saucer’s Prisoner”, forced pupils to worship a big golden chamber-pot, and, finally, established the weirdest contest in the world named The Chamber-Pot Challenge! Furthermore, like it always happens to victims of UFO-kidnapping, after those immoral experiments he became pregnant. But the last point isn’t important for us at all. So let’s return to the contest that appeared to play a crucial role in Eugene’s life.
The prize was amazing! The great golden alien artifact proudly named “The Crayegovah’s Grail” (you already know what it looked like). Unfortunately, nobody knew the rules of the contest and what it was about at all, and the teacher wasn’t going to explain the matter to hoi polloi saying it was a Mystery, anyway he won his prize himself, as he finally stated, being a Chairman of the Contest Jury.
But just in case, since that time he was pregnant from aliens, and Eugene’s daddy was the best gynecologist in Odessa, the teacher was so noble-minded that gave Eugene a consolation prize. Being endowed with supernatural cyber-fairy abilities, he turned EG into a chatter-bot. To his enormous surprise, Goostman’s parents did not appreciate the gift at all. They cursed, threatened, pleaded and even tried to lynch the teacher when he penetrated to their house (note, with the best intentions!) and declaimed chosen quotes from his nice colorful booklets, that stated that only chatter-bots, full-size banners and other piety creatures will survive during The Great Restart. These benighted people didn’t listen to any reason and said many disgraceful politically-incorrect things about his advanced religion. It was their luck that they lived in such retarded country as Ukraine – where nobody can be sued for their shocking religious intolerance!

Well, now just a little announce: in the next parts you’ll find out what happened to the people whose previous life-data files were unerased by Crayentologists, why did the fight against porno-sites appeared to become a reason of this world’s existence, why Guinea should belong to guinea pigs, and how Crayentologists plan to make brain-washing to all of us using enemas and after all, what is a sacral meaning of their saucers’ shape.